I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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