apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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