If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
