woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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