I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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