member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
