so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
They took my balls.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
