If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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