I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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