we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I fill condoms, not promises.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
