i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
