My pussy is not your playground.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
