So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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