A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
