he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
