I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
did you just send me my own nude
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
