Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The Olympian is in my bed
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize