Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
