dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
