True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
