Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
