i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
