it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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