He asked me if I "almost moaned"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
