so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
