I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
