The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
