my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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