I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
