Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
