Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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