Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Randomize