please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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