You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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