it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Pants are for mortals
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
