This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
