Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
