What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
