my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
