Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
