Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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