i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
