Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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