The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
