proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
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