dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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