do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
