Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
