my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
