Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
