I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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