Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
