I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
