I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
