I'm pants shitting drunk right now
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Found the puke drawer
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
